This is a special guest blog from a future contributing Doctor of YogaDoctors.TV, Dr. Michelle Wolford, Naturopathic Doctor & Shamanic Healer. She is a gem and one of the smartest women I know, in both Eastern and Western Medicine. If you are looking for a well-rounded Naturopathic Doctor, she’s your woman! Please enjoy!
She starts off by saying, “Because…I truly want the best for you this holiday season and beyond, I am offering you this…”
1) Follow through with what you say, ALWAYS. Every time you DO NOT follow through with what you say, your partner (person receiving) looses faith in you and you loose faith in yourself. This applies to EVERYTHING you say and EVERYONE you speak to. Even that silly text message that says, “call you later”. Either, call later OR/ text saying, “I won’t be able to call you tonight”, then make a new commitment. Value all your relationships equally, including the one with yourself. Every time you tell yourself or someone you are going to do something, DO IT or make an amendment to your word. NOT following through diminishes others faith, trust, courage, safety and belief in you (and you loose the same level of belief in yourself). Life is a continuum of commitments. And you will either follow through with those commitments or need to alter them and create a new commitment.
2) Speak the truth. As hard as the truth maybe to say or to hear, it will set you both free! It’s only “hard” because of your perception around what it will mean to you or how the person receiving “your words” will feel. Always be honest with yourself FIRST and then allow that truth to be shared with those you choose to share it with. Being truthful allows for everyone to be free and flowing vs. guessing, in fear, questioning, uncertain and consumed by all those sticky, hard to navigate, heavy emotions that drain us of our energy, creativity and vitality. Truth creates abundance, forward movement, passion and vibrancy! It allows for success. It generates peace, connectivity, laughter and happiness. It keeps you young and healthy! Of course, it could also mean you don’t get what YOUR MIND, your EGO, YOU think you wanted in that moment, BUT it will certainly open you up to something greater and more in alignment with your truth. That is why it’s so important to be truthful with yourself first!
3) Let go of control. Remember the garden hose analogy- the tighter you hold onto the garden hose, the less water will come out. The looser the grip, the more water and the greater control you actually have of nourishing your garden. By letting go, you actually allow the divine intelligence of the universe to present you with something greater than you could have created yourself. Yes, I challenge you to apply this to your business deals, your intimate relationships and the biggest “question-marks” in your life RIGHT NOW. You could be suffocating and congesting divine intervention by holding on so tightly to what you think you want or what once was. By trying to control so strongly you are actually cutting off the truest lifeline to your happiness. This can be a tough one for many because parents don’t want to see their kids get hurt, CEO’s don’t want to loose that big deal, lovers want to ensure their relationship lasts and THE EGO is very attached to what it wants, to control the outcome. It thinks it knows all and it will threaten you with the possibility of failure, death, loneliness, unhappiness, abandonment and pain. HOWEVER, by trying to control, you are also preventing the lessons in life that leads us to more greatness and deeper happiness. By trying to control you are preventing the universe from presenting you with unimaginable greatness. By letting go, you are open to receive. Have you ever noticed some of the greatest things in your life were not planned, but felt like a serendipitous meeting, a coincidence, a wonderful surprise. Set an intention, be proactive with your intention, then let go…
4) Jealousy!!! A common emotion that often wants to make a scene in most relationships. When you are jealous, you are really just saying, “(1) I don’t feel good enough, (2) I don’t love myself enough and (3) I am not receiving what I deserve in this relationship or giving to my greatest capacity. I am upset with myself for settling for less than I desire and deserve. I can’t believe I haven’t had the strength to communicate how I’m really feeling.” That is jealousy! A beautiful opportunity for YOU to look at YOU. It has less to do with the other person and everything to do with you. Take these triggers and begin to form a healthier relationship with YOU! And, be sure to communicate to your partner how their actions resonate with you. (How they impact you, how you receive, them, how you take it in. Your perceptions and interpretations. Maybe your partner can enlighten you and set you free of limiting beliefs and feelings!) BUT please, take ownership for your feelings as your own. Your partner doesn’t make you feel a certain way. It’s your interpretation or how you experience your partners actions that make you feel a certain way. It is the relationship you have with yourself and how you choose to mingle with the world that impacts your emotions. It’s the imbalance in you that makes you feel a certain way. And yes… it is also your partners behavior (as that is an expression of them), but only they can take ownership for them self and make changes they desire for the greater good of them and their relationships.
5) Safe, Honest & Open Communication. Really this should be point number one because if you can’t talk about it… it probably already feels like an UNSAFE relationship. And if you don’t feel safe, then you will never truly express your heart, you will never fully express yourself sexually and you will never speak your truth. Learn to create honest, safe, open and clear communication. Everyones style, technique and word choice is different. I am very clear that + alcohol or drugs… in the heat of an emotional storm… or in an unfit external setting is NOT a successful recipe for a true heart to heart. Oh and P.S.- it’s healthier to share heart to heart conversations with your partner daily if not close to daily. Heart to hearts does NOT mean every time you talk it needs to be a long, drawn out, exhausting, emotional and deep conversation. Actually, if you are connecting in with your partner daily, then it will be the exact opposite- light, expansive, real, supportive and empowering because there is less ground to cover and chances are you both are closer to being on the same page because daily thoughts and emotions are being shared. So, literally imagine pulling of the “jacket of gunk” (our triggers, our victimizations, our fears, our worries, our angers, our vexations) and just be present with your friend, partner, co-worker, family member for a REAL CONVERSATION… you will be surprised how much it deeps your relationship AND how much more free and safe, loved and supported you feel. Just SHARE YOU. Don’t you want those in your life to really know you? If not, then that’s worth looking at.
6) If you’re partner’s not ready (or you), HONOR THAT! Things in life don’t always fit our desired time frame, however, it’s extremely important to honor where you or your partner’s at in the continuum of life. Share your needs, desires, dreams, fears. If you can LISTEN to your partners (or potential partners) needs & desires AND also communicate with authenticity your needs & desires, you may find that it’s a perfect match (timing and mutual needs & desires) or that it’s not a match at all. Be ok with that. Life is forever evolving. Do not be so attached to your time frame or the particulars (who, what, when, where, how). If you’re ready to get into a relationship and the other is not; if you’re ready for “the answer to move fwd in your life”, but they are not ready to give it; if you’re ready to sign the deal, but they are not; YOU MUST HONOR that! Or, you will create more unnecessary drama in your life than needed. You may also alter the potential positive future of the relationship or business deal because the two of you forced what was not yet ready to cook. I am not asking you to compromise your dreams and desires, I am not asking you to give up. I’m asking you to HONOR YOU and the CURRENT CLIMATE.
7) Learn the energy of your relationship. There is a time to be the leader in your relationship and their is a time to be the follower. There is a time to move forward, a time to hit pause, a time for new beginnings and a time for endings. Know “the when” and have the courage to “act” in your relationship. If you feel you are banging your head against a brick wall and LOVE can not flow, communication is not easy, connection feels heavy, alignment is off; take a step back and see where you are forcing love, where love is not yet ready to be fully received and connect in with the truth of you and what you desire. Remember this goes for business deals, friendships, partnerships and romantic relationships! Make choices that support the growth of you, the love in your heart and the future you desire! Ask yourself, “what adds joy to my life?” And pursue that! Search for that vibrancy within, not externally. You are the source of your own happiness!
8) Intimacy. “In-to-me-you-see”. As scary as it can be … take down those walls that are holding you back. Take down the walls in your life that you are hiding behind. They are NOT serving you. The only thing that PREVENTS true love, passion, creativity and freedom are the walls YOU BUILD. Your personal relationships, family & friendships and business partnerships will flourish when you allow those in your life to experience you for all of you. Vulnerability can be scary. We feel more susceptible to pain, rejection, failure, inadequacy or loss. However, by being vulnerable and having courage to show up fully as yourself, you will attract the perfect partner(s) in all aspects of your life. One of my favorite quotes from A Course In Miracles, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself that you have built against it”. Be discerning AND be open to sharing the magic of you in all your partnerships! Ask for what you want, show up as you, share your heart openly.
Kids do it! So should you…
9) Trust! You must trust in timing, you must trust in the higher plan and you must trust your partner. But first and foremost, you must trust YOU. You must trust your feelings (heart) over your thoughts (head). Your thoughts are rooted in your past experiences, your beliefs and your perceptions, but the truth of your heart (your authentic feelings separated from your wounded inner child) is your compass. If you have given yourself a reason not trust you, it is imperative to forgive yourself. If your partner has given you a reason NOT to trust them, then this obviously needs to be addressed as well- forgiveness given, new commitments made (truthful, authentic ones) and the choice to let the past go. There will most likely be many future conversations around moments of “alarm” (red flags that your trust is being violated). AND… lets not forget, you will have to look at the situation like a lock and key. If your partner did something to violate your trust, they are the key. You too have a role to play because your unresolved issue around trust also needs completing, which makes you the key hole. It is a perfect MATCH for healing for both! Take ownership for your half of the alchemy! Alchemy is another word for transformation. For your relationship to flourish, to deepen, to be fulfilling, you must continue growing together and confront the SHADOW SIDE of your person. That’s the part of you that you don’t typically like as much and usually keep hidden from the world. Our anger, jealousy, neediness, sadness, unmotivatedness… whatever you wouldn’t typically share with pride on a first date or an interview! But it’s still there and your partner is the perfect mirror to show you what needs to be looked at and addressed in you!
10) Appreciation. Appreciate your partner above and beyond how you desire to be appreciated. This goes for employees, for bosses, for partners, for lovers, for friends and family and the man that bags your groceries! Appreciate those that walk into your life or those that are part of your inner circle above and beyond how you would want to be loved, recognized, thought of, cared for and talked to. How you do anything is how you do everything! Treat yourself with kindness and appreciation and do the same for others. It goes a long way! You would be surprised how forgiving or understanding a partner would be when you acknowledge them- their needs, their presence, their gifts, their day, their being. Their journey…
And if I may add… don’t be critical when your partner does something nice to remediate the situation or to demonstrate their attempt of self-improvement. Being critical in moments that deserve gratitude is a power play. It only continues the exhausting tug of war that’s absent of love, joy, playfulness, compassion, connection and faith in your partner. Choose happiness over being right or “being in control”. I’m not asking you to let others walk over you. I’m not asking you to make excuses for your partners behavior. I’m asking you to honestly communicate your needs, appreciate your partners current capacity, believe in the person they can continue to be, be grateful as they move closer into their greatness and know when it is time to say goodbye, if that is what’s in the highest and best for you both!
11) Giving and Receiving. We often give because our heart is so full of love and joy that we want to share this expression through giving to our partner. You can give through time, touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts. Sometimes we give for all the right reasons and sometimes we give for all the wrong reasons – because we feel we have to, we feel we messed up, we feel guilt, shame, fear, are trying to avoid a conversation, control, demonstration of wealth, to feel important or fill ourselves up. Give purposely from your heart. It isn’t the size of the gift or the quantity or the value, it is the meaning behind the gift and the place in which it was given from. Same goes for RECEIVING. Be a gracious receiver. Allow yourself to open your heart and feel the love and joy exuding from the meaningful gesture (time, touch, kind words, acts of service, or a gift). We all give and receive differently. If the way in which you give or receive doesn’t feel in alignment with your partner (ie: you prefer time over a present or/ it feels easier to do something nice vs say something nice), then have a conversation about it! Learn how you best give and receive! And ask your parter too!!! You’d be surprised if you knew how much more joy would come from your relationship.
BONUS: Don’t gab it out with your friends… talk to your partner!
Naturopathic Doctor & Shamanic Healer